Sweet Spot 

I have this overwhelming need to write and haven’t been able to. I’m still at the homeless shelter and don’t have my laptop with me or have Internet access. The little bit I have been able to write I have tapped out on my phone, but my thoughts flow faster than I am able to type on my phone screen. Not having access to wifi has caused me to incur astronomical data overage charges. I have had one of the worst weeks of my life and really haven’t been able to work through it. Last Saturday one of the shelter residents overdosed on heroin and nearly died. If the paramedics had arrived five minutes later she would have been gone. The stress of this event made my anxiety ramp up and the voices are back with a vengeance. My doctor had given me the permission to up my dose of Seroquel in such situations. I have been taking an extra 100mg and it has left me absolutely catatonic. I need to find the sweet spot between hallucinations and zombie. The shelter staff has been trying to get me into a sober living supportive housing environment and the waiting for an answer has been extremely stressful. On top of all of that one of the other residents has an objection to me, a trans woman, staying in a women’s shelter. She shared her objection with other residents and they have been ganging up on me. The staff is supporting me, and defending me. While I appreciate the support, but I am still very upset about being treated that way. This morning the voices are screaming louder than they ever have since I have been on medication. On top of the voices I have been having visual hallucinations as well. Everything has is very slightly vibrating. While the visual hallucinations aren’t as terrifying as in the past, it’s giving me motion sickness. I am nauseous all the time. I want it all to stop. I want to get drunk, open my veins, and let the stress flow out of my body. 

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