Intimacy and Panic

I’m starting to panic. I have a friend I met a few months ago and we are starting to get closer and closer. The hugs last a little bit longer, we sit a little bit closer, we spend a little more time together every day. I think that in the near future we may end up consummating our relationship and I am terrified. I haven’t had sex in a year and a half, and I have no idea how it will go. She knows I am trans, I disclosed that to her when I realized that my purposely vague backstory had too many holes in it to make sense.

My last partner was a trans-male whom I had known since long before either one of us transitioned. We always had a strong connection, and were always attracted to each other, so there wasn’t the level of fear and body anxiety there is now. The last time I had sex I had been on hormones for just a few months, and I hadn’t experienced many physical changes. Now nearly two years in, aside from the appendage that I desperately want to get rid of, I look entirely female. I don’t know how to have sex in this body. I don’t know how functional I can be, or what I will like or dislike. I haven’t felt this unsure of my sexuality and myself since before I lost my virginity 30 years ago. I don’t know what to do.

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