Other than my anxiety level being at a constant 8.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 my mental health has been pretty good for the last 6 weeks of so. I had gone over a month without self harming, without voices and without constant, unbearable physical pain…
Until last night.
Last night the voices and physical pain came back with a vengeance. I was getting shots of pain all over my body. The voices were screaming in my ear; I could feel them breathing on me. Something I couldn’t see enveloped my body. I laid on the floor curled up in a ball in the dark for a few hours. The urges started coming back. I could picture the blood running down my arm, I could feel the sting of the blade. I couldn’t resist anymore, I picked up my box cutter and ran it across my forearm seven times. It felt like all that was wrong, the pain, the anxiety leaving my body through the cuts, like steam rising after cutting into a baked potato. I could feel whatever was holding me let go and I felt my body hitting the floor with a loud thud, even though I was already on the floor.
I laid on the floor, wedged between the sofa and the coffee table, letting the blood flow from my arm onto my stomach. I stayed there maybe 20 or 30 minutes, letting the voices escape one by one. When the last one left my body I felt a chill, I had goose bumps and the hair stood up on my arm. I stood up, cleaned up the blood and bandaged my wounds and went to bed. Today I feel drained, as if all of my energy was taken away from me. I look at the scars and realized that I have to start all over again from day one.