No, I’m Not Fine

This blog is the only place where I can be completely open about how I am really feeling. I’m tired of pretending that everything is ok for everybody else. I’m tired of people assuming I am ok because I am not hospitalized or I’m not standing on a freeway overpass screaming at blue cars. I’m tired of them thinking that everything is good because they aren’t aware of any suicide attempts since the last time I was in the hospital.

I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m in immense physical pain. Aside from doctors and the person at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting giving me a hug when I collected my key tag commemorating one year of freedom from drugs and alcohol, I have not had physical contact with another human being in over 6 months. Not a hug, not a gentle stroke of an arm, not a hand on a shoulder. Nothing. I haven’t talked to anyone in my family (mother or brother) in nearly six months. It would occur to most people to check in on the schizophrenic drug addict in the family more than once or twice a year, but no, not my family.

I haven’t heard any voices in a while but there is someone following me. Everywhere I go I can feel them behind me. When I am at home I keep the dining room table against the door so they can’t get in. But I can still feel them there. I’m so sad, I just want the pain to stop. I want it to be over. I’ve learned that overdosing on medication doesn’t work. I’ve learned that hanging is far more difficult than it sounds. I don’t have access to a tall building or other structure. The only thing I am sure will work is a firearm. But I don’t have access to one currently. I hope that my prohibition from owning or possessing a firearm does not extend outside of California.

No, I’m not fine



  1. shit, i know how that feels. i myself have been in a similar situation before. but it can get better, and it often does. it just takes time. and i know, it may not seem like you have that time. but if you don’t have the time for yourself, then there are bound to be delays.

    if you wanted i could offer a shoulder, or an ear, or even some tips. i’d be happy to do what i can. i’m trans, and i’ve been there. in fact, it was a bloody hallucination and near suicide that had me come out about my mental illness and the fact that i’m trans.

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