The Blade Wins – Another Relapse

The craving and desire to use have been overwhelming the last few days. I’m not sure why, I haven’t had any significant triggers, but the cravings are back nonetheless. I tried reaching out to fellow members of NA and like always I was unable to reach any one. I hate that they will always say “call anytime day or night if you need to talk” and then not a one of these fucking people pick up the phone. I’m to the point where I want to give up on the fellowship and manage my recovery on my own.

I started to get very depressed and thoughts of suicide started flashing in my mind. It happens that quickly sometimes, without warning the thoughts are suddenly there. I briefly considered hopping a bus to the sporting goods store and see if is even possible for me to purchase a gun in New York State. Due to my hospitalization earlier this year, I am prohibited from owning, possessing, handling or firing a firearm in California until July 1,2019. I don’t know if that ban extends nationwide. It didn’t seem like an appropriate question to ask when signing my discharge papers from a psychiatric hospital. Realizing the gun idea was probably a no go, I called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I know they are always there. I talked to a nice woman for about 45 minutes or so and felt well enough to hang up the phone. I used the bathroom and as I was washing my hands I looked at the mirror and hated what I saw. I was almost like it was before I transitioned, there was that much self hatred. I ran to the living room, opened the end table drawer and slashed my wrist 7 times. As the blood rand down my arm, I could feel the stress, anxiety, and self hatred melt away.  Crisis averted.

For now.

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