Voices

I’m trying to ignore them but I can’t, they won’t stop. It started like a murmur, undistinguishable background noise. Every time they come back they get louder and clearer. There’s at least three of them talking to me. They tell me to do bad things. They want me to hurt myself. They want me to get high. It would be so easy to pick up again. It is easier to get heroin than it is to get a pizza around here (maybe not, but it seems like it sometimes). The urges have been strong. I know my friend takes opiate pain killers. When she was out of the house I went looking for them. I found out she keeps them in a locked fireproof box. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or insulted. I’ve been clean for 166 days and it gets harder to stay clean every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I don’t have a sponsor and the meetings I’ve been going to aren’t that helpful. In fact one of my meetings is where the voices are the loudest.

I have to leave where I am staying this week, and I don’t know where I am going to go. I start work in a couple of weeks, so I should be able to get my own place at the beginning of December. I have nowhere to go between now and then though. It’s looking like I will end up in a shelter if there is a bed available. If the waiting lists are as long as they were in California I am looking at a month on the streets in sub freezing weather. I can’t do this.

The anxiety, the stress, the sadness, the voices, the pain. I want them all to go away. I have more than enough pills to make it end. I have over 500 Seroquel tablets alone. I promised I wouldn’t do it here, but I didn’t promise I wouldn’t do it anywhere.

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3 comments

  1. You are very, very close to a good thing. Have you looked in the newspaper? Someone must be looking for a roommate, or have a spare room available for a couple of weeks. And the shelter lists might not be as bad as you are suspecting.

    166 days is impressive and worthy of praise. Be thankful for that locked box, not hurt.

    Keep reminding yourself of how close you are.

  2. I came upon your blog when I searched “homeless”. I’m so fortunate that I had. Even though I don’t know you, and you are probably too many miles away. I just want you to know that your blog lets people like me take this journey with you. Sharing your experiences – your feelings – allows us to understand you, and the others who are in your situation. PLEASE consider that before you do anything you can’t undo. You are bringing awareness to a very big problem. Parts of Florida are making it illegal to help the homeless. You can read about it in my post on my blog. The work you are doing by writing this blog is necessary. You are needed. 166 days is such a victory! I hope you find the strength and the will to keep going (I know, easier said than done, hey?). I will be there, reading what you write, trying to understand what you are going through. This in turn will help me to help others (closer to me) that need the same help you need. You are so very valuable. I, too, am 45 and can’t imagine being on the streets, but the fact is, most of us are just a paycheck or two from being there. Bless you and may God give you strength.

    1. Thank you. You are correct, I am currently in Upstate NY. I came here in August after spending nearly three months on the streets in California. I was on a waiting list for a shelter for more than three months before some friends banded together to bring me to NY and safety.

      Trust me once I am stable I will be a very strong voice for the homeless. Homelessness can happen to anybody. I graduated valedictorian from college at the age of 42. I started working full time three days later and was making over $40,000 a year. I lost it all and wound up on the streets.

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