I’m trying to ignore them but I can’t, they won’t stop. It started like a murmur, undistinguishable background noise. Every time they come back they get louder and clearer. There’s at least three of them talking to me. They tell me to do bad things. They want me to hurt myself. They want me to get high. It would be so easy to pick up again. It is easier to get heroin than it is to get a pizza around here (maybe not, but it seems like it sometimes). The urges have been strong. I know my friend takes opiate pain killers. When she was out of the house I went looking for them. I found out she keeps them in a locked fireproof box. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or insulted. I’ve been clean for 166 days and it gets harder to stay clean every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I don’t have a sponsor and the meetings I’ve been going to aren’t that helpful. In fact one of my meetings is where the voices are the loudest.
I have to leave where I am staying this week, and I don’t know where I am going to go. I start work in a couple of weeks, so I should be able to get my own place at the beginning of December. I have nowhere to go between now and then though. It’s looking like I will end up in a shelter if there is a bed available. If the waiting lists are as long as they were in California I am looking at a month on the streets in sub freezing weather. I can’t do this.
The anxiety, the stress, the sadness, the voices, the pain. I want them all to go away. I have more than enough pills to make it end. I have over 500 Seroquel tablets alone. I promised I wouldn’t do it here, but I didn’t promise I wouldn’t do it anywhere.