Deeper and Darker

My depression is getting deeper and my mood grows darker every day. I feel trapped in the house I am staying in and I have no other options. I can’t even afford a cup of coffee much less a place of my own. The anxiety level of my friend that I am staying with and her son is starting to rub off on me. I have had to take my anxiety meds every day for the last week.

The thoughts of suicide have become front and center again. I find myself having an internal debate going on in my head. If I die here it would be easier for my family to make final arrangements but I don’t want to die somewhere so grey, bleak, and depressing. I want to die somewhere warm and beautiful.  I have been cutting nearly every day since I have been here. In the 12 days that I have been here I have 52 new cuts on my arm and an additional 37 on my legs. At this rate I will never be able to wear short sleeves ever again. I need to find a job and need to do it soon or better yet be awarded the disability I have applied for. I honestly don’t think I am stable enough to work more than a couple of days and I am starting to doubt that I ever will be. I hate the thought of being considered permanently disabled because of mental health issues but it may be something that I have to accept. 

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6 comments

  1. I’m so sorry your feeling suicidal. That is tragic to hear and I so hope things improve for you soon, and that you get the disability you need. I have been where you are, just letting you know that I understand how dark that place is. As a stranger, I don’t know if there is anything anyone can do to help, but if you need someone to talk to, please reply to this message and let me know if I or anyone can help you…Do you have support? Thinking of you and sending a hug your way..I pray you’re kept safe during this horrific experience and feeling. You are not alone, even though you may feel that way, anyone who has been there would be sending you positive vibes and love and hoping for a better day tommorow for you…Luv Dawny xxx

    1. Hey there, I’m so pissed off at wordpress for not telling me that you had replied. The last thing I wanted to do was not respond to your response…and I’ve only just seen your reply because someone clicked like on my comment and it directed me back here. How are you feeling? How has the week been? Sending you another hug, a prayer and lots of luv xxx Dawny xxx

  2. I was suicidal too. You CAN and you WILL get through this. If you ever want someone to talk to my blog and e-mail are always open.

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