How Quickly Things Change

The curse of having BPD, emotions can turn on a dime. Ever since I arrived in New York I had been calm and serene. I went a week without even thinking about any sort of self harm. Last night I attempted to attend an NA meeting for the first time since I got here. When I arrived at the location I had listed there wasn’t a soul to be found. Neither my friend that drove me or I possess a phone that has internet capabilities so we had no way of confirming the address. Instantly my mood turned dark and when we got back to the house I locked myself in my room. I dug into the hidden compartment in the lining of my suitcase and pulled out Stanley, my favorite box cutter. Six new cuts on the inside of my thighs. 

I chose the thighs, because I am not sure how my friend or her son would react to seeing fresh cuts on my arms. My friend has a long history of self harm which she seems to have under control. I am not sure how observant they are either, so I don’t know if they would den notice. I hate cutting my legs, it doesn’t give me the release I need and it ends up stinging like a motherfucker when I use Veet to remove the leg hair.


One comment

  1. I really hope some good emotions come your way soon. It’s so sad reading about your pain, and I respect you for being brave enough to talk about self harm. If no more good emotions come your way today, I hope you know that one soul thinks your brave and inspiring for talking so candidly about the dark side of life. Take care…I truly hope you find some peace soon…Luv Dawny 🙂

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