So this is what mania feels like

Awake for 27 hours and bouncing off the walls.

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Where in the hell have you been?

So where have I been for the last 18 months? In March of 2016 as my illness deepened I exhausted my company paid disability benefits and became homeless. I ended up in a homeless shelter for 2 months. After 2 months at the shelter I was kicked out because social services would no longer pay […]

https://suicidaltransgirl.wordpress.com/2017/09/19/where-in-the-hell-have-you-been/

Shattered Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that as it came closer and closer to being achievable only to come to the realization that your dream was a stupid idea?

I moved to New York State three years ago after living on the streets of Sacramento California for two months. The last three years my only unrelenting dream was getting financially stable and moving back to my home of 16 years.

As I get closer to financial independence I am starting to realize that actually following through with my dream is a very bad idea. If I remain in New York I am eligible for subsidized housing, mental health services, health care for all of my ailments, and a solid support system. If I go to California I may have $20,000 in my pocket but nothing else.

The dream was the only thing that has kept me alive for the last three years. It is very depressing to realize it fulfilling that dream would do more harm than good.

Where in the hell have you been?

So where have I been for the last 18 months?

In March of 2016 as my illness deepened I exhausted my company paid disability benefits and became homeless. I ended up in a homeless shelter for 2 months. After 2 months at the shelter I was kicked out because social services would no longer pay for my stay. The day I left the shelter I was hospitalized in a psych unit for 29 days.

Upon my release from the hospital I was placed in an apartment program with a charity. The apartment was fully furnished and cable and other utilities were paid for by the charity, but they didn’t pay for Internet. I recently moved to another apartment in the same program.

While all of this chaos was happening I continued to battle my illness, still having hallucinations and severe anxiety. In that time my doctors tried 5 different antipsychotic medications and 3 mood stabilizers in an attempt to make me function and keep me out of the hospital. I think they are getting close to getting it right.

Where am I today? I’m in a nice apartment in a good neighborhood. My next door neighbor gave me her wifi password so I have internet access. I’m currently recovering from shoulder surgery. The surgeon prescribed narcotic painkillers that I am being responsible and using them properly despite it being my drug of choice in my using days.

Still waiting for my Social Security Disability benefits to be approved. I haven’t worked in over two years. Last week I received a letter informing me that my case will be heard by a judge in December.

Well, that’s the short version of what’s been going on since we last met. I’m happy to be back.

Return Of The Blade

I’ve started cutting again. I had gone nearly 4 months without picking up a razor. I’ve cut a few times and am not getting the release I need. It’s like nothing happened. I’ve been super depressed and nothing is helping. New meds are making it worse. So bad I had to go to the hospital a couple weeks ago. The didn’t admit me but probably would have if they had a bed available. Sometimes I feel like I have made no progress at all since my inpatient experience. 

I have however started seeing a new shrink. Not sure if she is a good fit yet. She did give me yet another diagnosis … bipolar disorder with psychotic features. Every time I see a new provider I get a new diagnosis. Apparently I defy categorization.