Lights And Music

I’ve been on a never ending drinking binge since I got home from the hospital last Friday. My lights and music have been on for 10 days.

$2, 30, 40, 50

I always said that I would quit smoking if cigarettes ever got to be more than $2 a pack. Then when I turned 30. Then when I turned 40. Then when I turned 50. I’m 51 years old, I am paying $9.70 a pack, I have COPD and I am smoking a pack a day. What the fuck is wrong with me?

An Alcoholic Death

It’s no secret that I am having the fight of a lifetime. My substance abuse counselor submitted a referral to a facility in Pennsylvania that treats addiction and mental illness at the same time. It sounds like what I exactly need. I called them today to see how long the wait for a bed is. They informed me that I need to pay a $1,400 copay to get into the program. I can’t afford that. I’m going to die an alcoholic death, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

28 Hours And Puking Blood

  1. I’ve been awake for 28 hours and am vomiting blood. It’s January 11 and I’ve already had one ambulance ride and one ER visit. This is shaping up to be a banner year.

Fun Fact

Because I was hospitalized involuntary I am prohibited from owning a firearm for 10 years. Not that I wanted one but still…


I spent the last five days in a psych hospital. They adjusted my meds and I’m doing much better.

Status Update: I’m A Mess

It’s been a while since I honestly shared how I am doing, so here’s the truth. My drinking is worse than ever. I’ve lost 50 pounds and my hair is falling out. I’ve had two seizures from alcohol withdrawal. I’m in stage 3 kidney failure, and I’m vomiting blood every morning. I haven’t showered in close to two weeks, haven’t shaved in over a week and haven’t eaten anything in five days. The voices are raging non stop telling me to kill myself. I’m cutting again and have over 200 cuts on my left arm.

I’m on a waiting list for a bed in a dual disorders facility in Pennsylvania that treats addiction and mental illness at the same time. I’m probably looking at about two weeks before I can get in. I really want to kick this, the thing is I don’t know if I will still be alive when a bed opens up.