I have been craving alcohol very badly the last couple of days. Three different times last night I put my hat and boots on, but came to my senses before putting my coat on. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.
I have been thinking buying myself a car when spring finally comes. I have talked it over with several people I know, and two of my friends and my therapist don’t think it is a good idea for me to drive. They all say that because of my hallucinations, my impulsivity, medication side effects, and an overall lack of coordination they worry about me behind the wheel.
I see their point to some degree, I do fall a lot and I haven’t driven in over 4 years, who knows how badly my driving skills have deteriorated in that time. I am so tired of relying on other people or public transportation. It can take nearly two hours to get somewhere on a bus that would only take 20 minutes in a car. I don’t like planing it out a day in advance if I want to go to the mall. I’m just so frustrated right now I don’t know what to do with myself.
I got a new laptop today. This will allow me to do longer, more thoughtful posts than the nonsense I have been tapping out on a smartphone keyboard. You have been warned.
I hit a little bump in the road last week. I was visiting my Primary Care Doctor and she could tell I was in great distress and sent me to the psych hospital for an emergency evaluation. I was in near panic mode and having command hallucinations. The hospital evaluated me and decided it was safe for me to go home. Since then I have been trying to think of ways to stop this from happening again. I need to identify my warnings signs and triggers.
Something I did notice in the days leading up to the hospital I did notice that my tremors in my hands were much worse than normal, to the point where I couldn’t hold a glass without spilling my drink. Also the day before this happened I slept most of the day, probably a total of 18 hours. I normally sleep somewhere between 10 and 12 hours; 8-10 at night and a 2 hour nap during the day.
I had also been under a great amount of stress because of my housing situation. I am currently in a congregate care program in my own apartment. Because I am now receiving disability from Social Security, I am no longer eligible for public assistance, which had been paying for my rent. I haven’t been given the exact rental fee for this apartment but I do know that it is somewhere north of $900 a month. While I can cover it, it would leave me with almost no money for other expenses. I am on a waiting list for supported housing where I would pay 30% of my income for my rent. I have no idea how long the waiting list is, or how long it will take. I have a tough decision to make. Do I pay what they charge and be on a razor thin budget every month? Or do I give up all of the services which I currently receive, many of which are an enormous help?
Every fucking time I think I am getting ahead, something knocks me back down a peg or two.
I made it home from the hospital last night. By the time the psychiatrist interviewed and evaluated me, 8 full hours after arriving at the Emergency Room the crisis had abated. I keep telling them that I have very brief and intense episodes of hallucinations that tend to go away after a few hours. The only reason I went to the ER was was that I happened to be at my primary care doctor for a different matter and she could clearly tell that I was agitated and recommend that I go in for an evaluation. Today I am just tired and my back is killing me from sitting in the horribly uncomfortable chairs they have in the crisis center.
Sitting in my doctor’s office waiting to be transported to a psychiatric hospital
I got new glasses last week. I wanted to post a picture on Facebook to show off to my family and friends. I took around 30 selfies and wasn’t able to smile in a single one. I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t. Instead the blank stare and expressionless face of someone enveloped in the fog of a massive amount of psychotropic drugs looks back at me. The look of the sickest patients on the last psych ward I was on. The look of schizophrenia.
I do take a lot of meds: 2 antidepressants, 2 antipsychotics, a mood stabilizer, and a plethora of other medications for the various ailments of middle age. A friend of mine, one of my oldest whom I have known for 35 years has mentioned that I don’t have the light in my eyes that she used to see. I never understood what she meant until I saw those pictures. I look like a mental patient.