Fractured

I saw an orthopedic doctor this week for constant back pain. They told me that I have degenerative discs, arthritis, and a hairline fracture of one vertebrae. The doctor prescribed muscle relaxers. Great I take 22 pills a day as it is and now they are giving me more.

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Tomorrow

The sun will come out tomorrow
So you got to hang on ’til tomorrow, come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow
You’re only a day away

Tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow
You’re only a day away …

This song is often thought of as being positive and up lifting. There is a major flaw in that logic. It’s never tomorrow, it’s always today.

Vision

Having problems with my vision today. Colors look strange, like photos from the 1970s, muted and hazy. Lights appear to be flashing out of the corners of my eyes, forcing me to sit in the dark. I hate this fucking disease, I don’t know if I am hallucinating, if there is something seriously wrong with my eyes, or if I am having a stroke.

Wearing Soup

My tremors are really bad today. I was craving soup and  made myself a bowl. I think more of it ended up down the front of my top than went in mouth. I wish my doctors could come up with a way to treat my tremors, since he increased my antipsychotic dosage the shaking has been worse. I tried Cogentin, but it didn’t help much and made me extremely thirsty. I was drinking a gallon of water or more every day and it messed up my electrolyte levels, especially sodium. I am currently  taking Primadone to help with the tremors but it hasn’t helped one bit. I see my neurologist next month and hopefully he can come up with an answer. I want to get an MRI of my brain to check the progress of my brain lesions. This doctor doesn’t seem concerned at all. It’s been close to a year since my last MRI and I want answers. If I have something like MS, i want to start treatment as soon as possible.

Suicide & Hot Dogs

For months I have been in a depressive funk that I just couldn’t shake. Every night as I laid my head down to sleep I would whisper “I want to die”. I’d wake up in the morning profoundly disappointed that I was still here. But recently, with a change in my medication and the uncertainty of my disability case removed from my shoulders, the clouds have been clearing. I hadn’t realized it until earlier this week when I found myself whispering a new mantra as I laid my head down to sleep…

“I want hot dogs”

Survivor

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who is having financial troubles. We are old friends and recently reconnected after several years, and she was unaware of my recent history. She asked me how I survived. I told her about my living situation, a charity pays my rent and utilities.

Then I told her about the last four years. In that time I have been homeless 3 times, lived on the streets for 2 months, have been hospitalized 4 times (most recently two weeks ago), and attempted suicide twice.

I had never boiled down my experiences into a single paragraph before. Wow, I have been through a lot of shit. I guess I am a survivor after all.