Two More Days

My disability hearing is coming up on Tuesday, just two days away. I have been waiting for over two years for my case to be heard. In that time I became homeless and spent two months in a homeless shelter. I’ve been hospitalized twice, once for an entire month. After being discharged I moved into an apartment provided by a charity. I live alone but it is still considered supervised housing. I have a case worker that I see three times a week. I found a psychiatrist who actually cares. He has been willing to try a bewildering number of medications in order to get my symptoms under control. I currently take 25 pills a day and have managed to stay out of the hospital for over a year. I do have some side effects from the medicine, but they are more tolerable than anything else I’ve tried. My biggest complaint is I have tremors in my hands that make eating and typing difficult. I sleep around 10 hours a day, down from the 18 hours I was sleeping on some of the other meds I have tried. I generally sleep eight hours at night and take a two nap in the middle of the day.

I am so stressed about this upcoming hearing. I have been in my pajamas for three days, my stomach hurts, and I break out in hives. My attorney and benefits counselor tell me I have a strong case and should be approved. If I am approved I have some serious decisions to make. I will have to move out of the apartment I am in and transfer me to another program with less supervision. The charity will help with my rent, but I don’t know how much. I have also been told they will set me up with everything I need to live on my own. Furniture, dishes, utensils, and so on. I am grateful they will do this. After my last bout with homelessness I once again lost almost everything I owned. I own a dining room set, my purple cookware, two guitars, and my clothing.

Two more days.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Last night I stumbled upon a tv show called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend . The main character named Rebecca had attempted suicide by overdose in the previous episode. The episode I saw dealt with the aftermath of that attempt and how she and her friends processed it.

It was truly an amazing portrayal, showing the sadness and helplessness that all of the characters felt. After Rebecca is medically stable she is released from the hospital with a plan to see her psychiatrist and start attending group therapy. The psychiatrist tells her he believes that she had Borderline Personality Disorder (not having the show before and not knowing the back story I don’t know if she had prior diagnoses).

The description of BPD was accurate and sensitive. It wasn’t overly dramatic, didn’t go for the easy laugh. It showed the sad resignation of being diagnosed with a personality disorder, and covered many of the questions that many of us have when we first were diagnosed with BPD.

Apparently the show is in its third season. I need to go back and binge watch the first two seasons to see what drove the story to this point. I will be watching in the future to see where the story goes from here.

Too many guns

Another mass shooting has happened and yet people say it’s too soon to talk about gun control. True a gun can’t pull its own trigger but too many people have access to too many guns. I believe that in order to purchase a firearm the purchaser should have to pass a background check that includes screening for mental illness.

I am forbidden to own or possess a firearm because of my mental illness, and that’s a good thing. I have days where I completely lose all touch with reality. I often don’t remember what I have said or done when I am floridly psychotic. I would like to think that I wouldn’t hurt anyone, even when my psychosis takes over. When I am properly medicated I can function fairly normally if I have little stress in my life. On the good days I am thankful that on my bad days the most dangerous thing I have access to is a set of barbecue tongs.

37 Days

December 12, 2017. The date where everything will change. On that day I will appear in front of an administrative law judge for my Social Security Disability appeal. I am so anxious that I throw up every morning. On that date my future will change or come to an end. If I am approved I need to figure out what to do with my life. Living in homeless shelters, hospitals, and charitable housing for the last two years has taken a toll on my independence and decision making. A charity pays for my housing and utilities; food stamps and Medicaid are provided by social services. If approved I will be responsible for my own groceries and rent and utilities. I’m not sure if I could handle that much independence.

If denied, my life is over. I can’t stay in this program forever. I am currently on month 17 of an 8 month program. I will have no choice but to kill myself. I have been hiding pills for months in case it comes down to it. I have hundreds of Trazadone tablets saved for the occasion.